Librarian legs in the White House
The Republican convention was going full speed ahead in St. Paul. Raquel and I were watching the proceedings with interest. Only Raquel seemed to pick up on the details more than I did. She was very quiet for a long spell and I could tell she was concentrating on some aspect of the scene that I was missing entirely. When she does that I always look forward to her pronouncements. My excitement and anticipation grew as she tapped her fingers and stared at something far away that only she could see.
Finally she spoke. "John McCain is a great American and an inspiring leader, but he will never live in the White House."
"Wait a minute Sweetheart, the election is two months away, the polls show Obama and McCain very close. All kinds of weird things can happen that we can't even imagine now. It's too early to tell."
"No it's not. I can't predict whether it will rain, snow or hit 80 degrees tomorrow, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that John McCain will not be elected."
"How can you be so positive?"
"Because Cindy McCain, the former rodeo queen, has gorgeous legs and no president's wife in my lifetime has had even decent legs."
I was astonished. "I can't believe I'm hearing this. What in the world do a wife's legs have to do with her husband being elected President of the United States?"
"I can't explain it, but it's true. You seem to have forgotten that way back in 1996 after Bob Dole came out on top in the Iowa caucuses I told you he could never be elected because his wife Elizabeth had beautiful legs. And Dole wasn't elected was he -- I called that one nine months in advance didn't I?"
"I guess so, but wait a minute -- Michelle Obama is a very attractive lady. What's wrong with her legs --if that's what's going to qualify Barack for the White House?"
"Bad shape -- stand her beside Cindy McCain and you would feel nothing but sympathy for the poor girl."
"How does McCain's running mate Sarah Palin affect the formula?"
"Are you kidding? She makes it all the worse for McCain. She's a beauty queen. She was runner up to Miss Alaska. Alaskans appreciate moose legs, but only on a moose. They insist their beauty queens have great legs, and believe me, Sarah has gorgeous gams."
"You'll have to prove your point to me. I haven't noticed any of this because I don't look at legs."
"Then what do you look at?"
"Well, I . . . you know . . . that is . . . why I look at the polls, that's what I look at. The polls tell me about voter moods, but legs don't. But let's take a look at some of the first ladies of our time. I'll name the first lady and you describe her legs in just a few words."
Q: "Here we go -- Jackie Kennedy?" A: "Big shin bones, shapeless legs."
Q: "Lady Bird Johnson?" A: "Legs the shape of Vietnam with prominent veins along the Ho Chi Minh Trail."
Q: "Pat Nixon?" A: "Sticks."
Q: "Betty Ford?" A: "Dull, dull, dull."
Q: "Roselyn Carter?" A: "Missionary legs."
Q: "Barbara Bush?" A: "I hate to sound cruel, but they're pool table legs."