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Lynn Hummel: Cap collection for sale...cheap

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Lynn Hummel: Cap collection for sale...cheap
Detroit Lakes Minnesota 511 Washington Avenue 56501

This ad in the For Sale section of the paper caught my attention: “Cap collection approx. 1000 caps, never worn, $100 takes all.” Wow, what an opportunity — that’s only 10¢ a cap.

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Every day in this complex world of ours, there are more choices. Science, technology and fashion work to improve the products available to us — but not always. For example, I contend that the world is full of worthless ball point pens. Most of them almost write and are at checkout counters at banks and convenience stores — protected against theft by chains, or taped-on flowers or spoons. Why? Nobody would steal them.

Caps are another example. I can almost guarantee you that the reason those 1000 caps have never been worn is that no self-respecting cap wearer, male or female, would be caught dead in 995 of them. You can bet that not one of them has a slogan like “Protect and Serve,” “Semper Fidelis” or “E Pluribus Unum.” But obscene slogans are popular. The wearer demonstrates his or her sense of humor by wearing a slogan that would make 90 percent of the population blush. Further, there is no reason why businesses dealing with toilets and septic services should not advertise, but do they expect us to wear a cap that says, “Flush Our Toilets” or “Odorless Septic Pumping”? The list goes on.

The reason those caps can be sold for a dime apiece is that they were giveaways in the first place. You can tell by reading them.

A few of them were designed to look old and used from the beginning, like they were run over by a road grader or the bill was bit by a grinder on the way out of the factory to show major action.

If you’re interested in buying that collection, I think I can save you some money — $100 to be exact. The reason the collection is for sale is that the owner has been given an ultimatum: “I’ll give you one week to get rid of those ugly, gross (expletive deleted) caps or I’ll publicly burn them on the driveway and stink up the entire neighborhood.” So if you really want them (why would you?), you can get them at cost — free — by offering to take them off the hands of the “collector.” But there will be hard feelings — the owner really doesn’t want to get rid of them, and he’s going to be bitter that you’re the guy (yes, the owner is a guy and whoever buys them will be a guy) who took advantage of the duress he’s under. But unless you’re a single person, I’d advise you against bringing them home to an unsuspecting spouse or significant other. Let the buyer beware.

One more bit of advice to the seller or buyer. Beautify America by loading the caps in a dignified box and slowly driving the entire collection to the landfill for a proper burial.

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