The No. 1 issue: There's too many deer
According to the television people, I am what they call a "rural voter."
As usual, them media types are a predictin', God willin' and the creek don't rise, if me and my kinfolk find a minute between mornin' milkin' and manure spreadin' to get down to the town hall and figure out that fancy votin' machine, we'll probably pull the lever for the folks with the shortest name just because that's all the readin' we kin handle.
They're getting it wrong. Again. We rural voters are sophisticated, educated, savvy, policy-oriented and thoughtful.
It is time we stood up and made some noise. In particular, it is high time we stood up and insisted that the nation focus on the number one rural issue:
Deer. There's too many of them.
We're spending billions blowing up bad guys in caves halfway around the world when the real enemy has invaded and is occupying our gardens, road ditches and fields right now.
This is personal. In the winter, deer surround my house. They look in my windows. When I step outside, they send secret snorts to their fellow travelers and rush back into hiding.
Within minutes, they filter back into the yard to destroy the trees I planted last spring.
One doe has mastered the art of knocking my bird feeder back and forth with her snout so sunflower seeds fall on the ground for her to eat.
Deer are experts at sabotage. On a thirty-mile drive a couple of evenings ago, I had to slam on the brakes six times to avoid $1500 in damage.
I was one of the lucky ones. Each night across the area, the deer successfully disable dozens of vehicles through suicide attacks.
Slowly but surely, deer are winning the war. Their plan is to wear us down, and at that they are succeeding. They are infiltrating every aspect of our lives, striking at the very pillars of our existence.
For instance, we rural folks, good citizens of the world, have always tried to be sustainable. We grow our own food. We try to raise fruit. Indeed, we were green before going green was cool.
What stands between us rural folks and our noble goal of saving the planet through vegetable gardening?
Deer! Hundreds of thousands of deer, dispatched to each and every garden to wreak nightly havoc all summer.
With each garden they destroy, every tree they ruin, deer aid the advance of global warming.
Fighting deerorism should be our number one priority as a nation, but instead our leaders are asleep at the wheel. Wake up America!
Who is carrying on the fight against the deer? An overwhelmed rag-tag band of hunters with inadequate arms, allowed only a few days per year to reduce the enemy's numbers just a fraction.
With one hand tied behind their back due to silly regulations (incredibly, hunters aren't allowed to use bazookas, cannon, hand grenades, tanks or cluster bombs), the weekend sportsmen do the best that they can to defend us from the menace.
Training is spotty. Unit cohesion is hurt by the inclusion of relatives in the hunting party who really should have stayed home and watched cartoons.
Some hunters are plagued by an overactive conscience. They only "harvest" animals that they can eat, which means they stop at five or even fewer.
For a host of reasons, the hunters are losing the battle. Each year there are more deer.
It is time to forget deer "harvest." Forget hunting for sport. Forget doe scent. Forget those pitiful little deer rifles and rag-tag bands of merry hunters.
What we need are several battalions of the U.S. Army, armed to the teeth, scouring the countryside, taking back the land from the deer block by block, section by section, until this entire troubled region is finally pacified.
Deer that survive can be rounded up and put in detention camps where they can do our gardens, trees and cars no harm.
Yes, it is time we stopped running around the world finding enemies to fight when we're losing the battle for our own backyard.