Open letter to Congress
Dearest Esteemed Members of the United States Congress,
I have a problem. Fortunately, it is one which I believe you can fix.
Earlier this month, as I was making preparations for the Holiday shopping season, my plans were foiled when it came to my attention that I have no money. It is not my fault times are so hard for me right now, though I assure you that all my expenses this past year were all completely necessary and wholly beneficial to the Common Good.
I write a column for my town's newspaper, you see, and my expenditures were all related to that. They included: daily $4 lattes (with cream), to ensure that my mind is at the top of my game while I write my columns; a better computer to write better columns with; and several hundred CDs, to put me in that creative mood. These expenses, though costly, all directly benefited my community.
How could I have hoped to write entertaining columns for my three loyal readers without a large latte by my side, a month's worth of tunes at my immediate disposal, and, most importantly, a high-speed laptop with an ergonomic I keyboard at my fingertips?
After a year of giving, though, my financial means are nearly exhausted, and I fear that if something isn't done quickly, my family and friends may get nothing from me but abstract hogwash like love and friendship this holiday season.
Nobody wants it to come to that, but it just may if something isn't done in very short order. It just may.
After all, can one really be expected to give and give day in and day out and still hope to support himself? Believe me, I have tried. But at some point, a person needs some outside assistance if he is to continue his giving, and that's where you come in.
I am proposing that you, the esteemed members of Congress, mail me a "bailout package" for the amount of $10,000, which is, I must mention, only a tiny sliver of a fraction of a fraction of what you set aside for several of the Financial Institutions of America. And what is AIG anyway? What does it do!?
I, however, am a columnist. I provide my readers with tales of character-building daring exploits and good deeds on a weekly basis. I ensure that the children of Detroit Lakes (the town I live in, if you haven't heard of it) grow up knowing that they have someone who they can honestly look up to! And what, I ask, is more important than that?
I understand that you can't be handing out money to just any fool who's knocking. You've got expenses of your own. That war you have going on, for example, at about $10 billion a month, isn't cheap. But I am not just anybody, and, as my history of spending has hopefully shown you, I will not use my bailout funds for normal, self-centered purposes.
True, others might, but these are special circumstances and I am a very, very special person (or so my parents tell me). I promise, no, pinky-promise, to spend my bailout money on only the best gifts for my loved ones, which I'll definitely be able to do with $10,000.
And if there's any money left after I am finished giving, I will put it towards next year's latte fund. Besides, as long as we're being reasonable people, let's not kid ourselves: you can afford this. And if you don't have the money, borrow it!
Some may have tried to sway you towards conservative spending by gently reminding you of the fact that our national deficit is edging into eleven-trillion dollar country. But what these people fail to realize is that there will always be another generation to take care of the debt. It's not our issue, so there's no need of us concerning ourselves with it, right? America has enough problems already.
In conclusion, I wish you a merry holiday season and fervently pray that you'll allow the Spirit of Christmas to guide you as you attempt to decide whether or not to grant my request. I completely understand that this must be an exceedingly difficult decision to make. But if you make it in a prayerful mindset, while remembering what this season is truly about and picturing me weeping in my bedroom because my beloved won't be getting anything from me this Christmas save for a hug and a nice card, the answer will come in time.
Nathan P. Kitzmann
Nathan Kitzmann is a sophomore at Detroit Lakes High School.