A solution to the financial crisis
The only decent thing to do, I have decided, is to suspend my column until I can figure out a way to resolve this financial crisis.
After much thought, I have a developed a solution that will help Main Street, stick it to Wall Street and provide 5 million new jobs to boot. So sit down and listen up.
A lot of press has been devoted to the matter of predatory housing lenders.
However, nobody talks about predatory restaurant owners. They dangle fancy, expensive food in your face and as long as your credit card gets approved, they don't give a hoot whether you have enough money to pay for your dinner.
I haven't yet had a waitress ask me whether I can afford my steak. They're just after tips.
It is high time we little people took control of this situation and turned it to our advantage.
I propose that we all start eating out at expensive restaurants every day. Order steak. Add a bottle of wine. Have cr?me de la foofe for dessert.
Then do it again tomorrow. And again the next day.
Put the bills on your credit card. Make sure it's the card that gives you a free trip to Hawaii after you've eaten enough steak dinners.
Also make sure -- and this is important -- to pay the minimum $40 payment on your credit card each month. There are other numbers on credit card statements, like "24 percent APR" and "current balance," but they can be ignored. Remember, if you can't read the fine print without your bifocals, it won't stand up in court.
If we all eat out every night for a few months and put it on our cards, the restaurant industry will hire 1.5 million new workers. And there will be thousands of new jobs in Hawaii.
Eventually, of course, the big bankers who own the credit card companies will panic and want their money back. That's when it gets fun.
It will occur to them that they have no security for their loans. The trillion dollars of debt will be backed by nothing more than millions of well-digested steak dinners.
Investors will realize that the assets, distributed in sewage lagoons and septic tanks across our great nation, are not entirely liquid. Stocks will plummet. Credit card companies will be threatened with collapse.
At that point Congress will intervene and bail out the credit card companies by purchasing their assets for fifty cents on the dollar. Politicians will present the deal as a bargain for the taxpayers.
That's when it will really hit the fan. The federal government will realize that to cash in on their newly acquired assets, they will have to pump out every sewage lagoon and septic tank in the country.
The massive sewage recovery effort will create another 3.5 million jobs. The resulting sludge will be pumped onto empty oil tankers headed back to Saudi Arabia. The tankers will drop the sewage off in China as a way of paying down the trillion dollars we owe Chinese banks.
The industrious Chinese will know just what to do with sewage: Spread it on their vegetable farms and sell the produce back to us as "certified organic."
Once we all get back from our trips to Hawaii, we'll still want fancy salads and vegetables -- more than this country can provide -- so, we will buy them from the Chinese. The cycle will continue.
Look who benefits: The little guy gets huge meals and a trip to Hawaii for the small minimum payment of $40 per month. Plus, we'll all get our septic tanks pumped for free.
The environment will be cleaner, which will reduce global warming.
The world will be awash in sustainable, organic fertilizer, which will allow us guilty types to think we're saving the earth.
Millions of new jobs will be created, which will help politicians get reelected. That will help their self-esteem -- assuming any of them feel bad about the mess they've gotten us into.
It is a no lose situation for everybody. Except for the big bankers -- who will have to survive on their paltry bonuses.
What a relief to have that solved!
Now back to smearing my opponents.