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Anonymous Letters, Inc. for all your letter needs

Have you ever wanted to write an anonymous letter? Of course you have. The world is filled with folks who have wanted to write anonymous letters. But not many were ever written. Why not? Because we're cowards. Anonymous letters are cowardly in the first place, but most of the anonymous letters not written were because of the fear of detection through handwriting, stationery, spelling, grammar, language or some other give away clue.

For that reason, I'm thinking about forming a new company called Anonymous Letters, Inc. The concept is simple. If you want to write an anonymous letter that can never be traced to you, you will come to me and tell me who you want to write to and what you want to say. The letter will be typed on my plain stationery and I will write it in my own words -- my spelling, my grammar, my vocabulary -- and my restraint.

That's right, restraint. Even anonymous letters have to have some rules. After all, this has to be a professional operation. And for that reason, the names or circumstances of my clients will never be disclosed, even under subpoena or extreme torture.

The first rule is no nasty letters. If you want to hurt somebody, write the letter yourself you coward. I don't intend to be an instrument of nastiness.

My company will not provide the service of inflicting pain. That will eliminate a good deal of business, but that's the way we're going to do it. That means, for example, there will be no letters that contain lines like "Do you have any idea what your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner is up to?" That's right, we won't report or promote domestic discord.

We won't be afraid to inflict some mild embarrassment if the message carries a positive suggestion. We would send a message that says, "Your comb-over is not working. You should just face the facts and get a short haircut. There is no disgrace in losing your hair." Or we might send this message: "Your black hair looked natural and beautiful. Blonde is not your color. Return to your roots."

Or maybe some unsolicited business advice not easily delivered in person or by signed mail: "I salute your bold move in opening the new coffee shop. But it looks drab and uninviting. You should have some tables and umbrellas out front for the summer coffee crowd. And what's the name of your place? I know there's a sign out there somewhere, but it's hard to find. Spruce the place up with some color and some cheer. I want to do business with you but I don't enjoy drinking my coffee alone. I want you to still be around a year from now."

Here's another message to an office (or is it some other business?):

"How can I hire you to work for me if you never answer your phone and you never return my calls? I'm not interested in sending you e-mails because you don't read them. Besides, I'd like to hear your voice and have an actual conversation. You're chasing me away."

Here's one sure to get attention: "Your bookkeeper has his fingers in the cookie jar. Check it out. I know what I'm talking about."

Send this one only to someone with numerous neighbors: "Your dog is pooping on every lawn in the neighborhood except yours. You may think we can't tell which dog is the culprit, but we're smarter than you think and we know the origin of the feces. We can deliver you a bucket of evidence if you need proof. We have you on our bucket list. Get an underground electric border or keep Buster on a leash. And have a nice day."