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Great arms -- garden variety legs

My name is Pony Express and I don't approve of this message. It is sexiest, unscientific, subjective and it doesn't make sense, but it's been accurate election after election, so I pass it along even though it embarrasses me.

Eartha and I watched all three presidential debates very carefully, but Eartha seemed to pay more attention to what was happening on the stage when the debates were over. The wives and families of Obama and Romney came up with hugs and pats on the back. Along with other supporters, they milled around for the longest time.

Eartha actually leaned forward in her chair when Michelle Obama and Ann Romney were on the scene.

I could tell she was concentrating on some aspect of the picture that I was missing entirely.

When she does that, I always look forward to her pronouncements. My excitement and anticipation grew as she tapped her fingers and stared at something far away that only she could see.

She didn't say a word until after the third debate. Finally, she spoke. "This is going to be a very close election. Mitt Romney is handsome, smart and impressive, but he'll have to live in one of his other houses, because he'll never live in the White House, and it has nothing to do with the debates. I'm sure of it."

"Wait a minute sweetheart, the experts haven't had time to digest this last debate and there are all kinds of undecided voters out there -- how can you be so sure of yourself?"

"I've explained this to you before, but I'll tell you again how it works. Obama will win because Ann Romney's legs are better than Michelle Obama's and the candidate whose wife has the best legs always loses."

I faintly remembered hearing this nonsense before, but I still couldn't believe it. "What in the world do a wife's legs have to do with her husband being elected President of the United States?"

"I can't explain it, but it's true. It always works that way. You seem to have forgotten that way back in 1996 after Bob Dole came out on top in the Iowa Caucuses, I told you he could never be elected because his wife, Elizabeth, had beautiful legs. And Dole wasn't elected, was he? I called that one nine months in advance."

"That makes absolutely no sense. But wait a minute -- Michelle Obama is a very attractive lady. What's wrong with her legs?"

"Four years ago I pointed out that her legs didn't have a chance against the gorgeous gams of rodeo queen Cindy McCain and beauty queen Sarah Palin thrown in as a clincher. This year, it's a close race with Romney, but, although Michelle has the best arms in the business, her legs look like she's spent too much time on her knees out in the garden -- garden variety legs. But it's a close race on the legs. Romney's are a bit matronly. If I'm wrong about the legs, than the presidential race will go the other way."

"I can't remember any of this stuff. I don't even look at legs."

"Then what do you look at?"

"Well, I... you know... that is... I look at the polls, that's what I look at. The polls are almost even at this point. I think you're out on a limb. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that as a pun. You're going to have to prove that this nonsense really works. I'll name a few first ladies in our history and you describe her legs in just a few words."

Q: "Here we go -- Jackie Kennedy?" A: "Big shin bones, shapeless legs, big feet to boot. No pun intended, smartie."

Q: "Lady Bird Johnson?" A: "Legs the shape of Vietnam with prominent veins along the Ho Chi Minh Trail."

Q: "Pat Nixon?" A: "Sticks."

Q: "Betty Ford?" A: "Dull, dull, dull."

Q: "Roselyn Carter?" A: "Missionary legs."

Q: "Nancy Reagan?" A: "Bird legs -- sparrows."

Q: "Barbara Bush?" A: "I hate to sound cruel, but they're pool table legs."

Q: "Hillary Clinton?" A: "Pants suit legs. Perfect for a president's wife or the president HERSELF."

Q: "And finally, Laura Bush?" A: "Librarian legs -- you can check it out yourself. Pun intended. I'm catching on."

"You can be blunt to the point of cruelty. Librarians will be furious with you. If I made these observations, I'd be stoned by female readers. This is pure coincidence at best and superstition at worst. The opinions expressed here are not mine. Let this disclaimer be as explicit as possible. But can I quote you as one woman's observations?"

"You bet, go for it. But don't worry, women readers will recognize a woman's point of view when they see it."