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Why aren't you on Facebook?

I got a call from Higgins, my high school classmate.

"Hummel, the only reason I'm calling you is that you're not on Facebook."

"No, I guess not. But here I am -- what's the message?"

"My wife just left me, so I'm putting together a list of old friends and classmates so we can keep in touch and exchange pictures and news. I want everybody to get on Facebook so we can have our own clique."

"Higgins, I'm sorry about your wife, but I haven't seen you or heard from you since our class reunion two years ago -- isn't contact every five years enough togetherness?"

"Friendship can't be the vital, living, breathing, beautiful, warm thing it ought to be with contact every five years. You were always on my mind. Get with it man -- get on Facebook."

"Look Higgins, when we were in high school there were no computers, no space shots, no satellites circling the globe, no cell phones, no Viagra, heck we didn't even have credit cards. As a matter of fact... "

"Wait a minute. Are you telling me you want to continue to live in the dark ages?"

"No, I'm telling you I have my own social network system -- I communicate with my friends face to face, by letter and phone."

"You mean you don't text either?"

"I don't text, I don't sext, I don't Bing, I don't Google, I don't tweet, I don't post, I don't Skype, I'm not on Facebook, Myspace or Bebo and I'm not going to subscribe to Microsoft when they jump in."

"Do you realize Facebook has over 750 million subscribers around the world?"

"Well I suppose that means there are quite a few people I won't get to know."

"It's well organized and well regulated."

"Yes, I've been told it was originally organized for college students to identify who was hot. Then it spread to high schools and finally to anybody in the world over 13 years of age. And now there are 7.5 million kids under 13 who crawled in under the tent and are in on the system."

"But everybody's doing it."

"Henderson, let me explain . . ."

"It's Higgins, not Henderson."

"Oh that's right -- how could I flub the name of such a close friend? Look Higgins, I just read that according to a recent study, one-third of the adults in the United States, United Kingdom, China and Australia feel overwhelmed by social media and technology. I guess I'm one of those one-third. I'm not proud of it, but I manage to stay happy."

"Well, it's too bad that you insist on living in the past."

"Privacy isn't as painful as you might imagine. Look, I have to run now -- I can hear the old grandfather clock striking 12. Thank you for calling -- it was good talking to you. Say hello to all our friends."

"You'll be sorry. You're gonna miss the pictures of my grandson's prize poodle."