Mine has been a voice crying in the wilderness. I've been suggesting New Year's resolutions for several years now and nobody has paid the least bit of attention to them. I've decided they've been too tough. For example, not one reader is reported to have tightened his or her glutes, nobody has developed "six pack" abs and nobody has helped a Boy Scout across the street. And I must admit I've done none of those myself. I've decided that the readers of this column are not serious about self improvement. So, assuming that self indulgence is more interesting to you, here are 50 self indulgent resolutions. Pick any ten for yourself. Here we go.
1. Get your navel pierced.
2. Get a tattoo of Mount Rushmore with your face on it.
3. Take up golf and get a golf cart so you won't have to walk and won't have to exercise.
4. Make "no sweat" your motto.
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5. Get a hammock, put it in the shade and spend two hours every summer day in it.
6. Go for a canoe ride with a kid and let the kid do the paddling.
7. Make your carbon footprint a diamond.
8. Enter a hot dog eating competition.
9. Watch more reality shows on TV.
10. Plant potatoes in your couch. We need more couch potatoes.
11. Get false fingernails.
12. Get false eyelashes.
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13. Get a shot of botox.
14. Get a nose job.
15. Get a tummy tuck.
16. Have your breasts enlarged. (I admit these last five could be self improvement resolutions.)
17. Never apologize.
18. Get yours first.
19. Take the biggest piece of pie.
20. Move further to the fringes in politics.
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21. But if it's raining on election day, stay home and keep dry.
22. Drive your Harley to Sturgis, South Dakota for the big motorcycle rally next summer.
23. Get into gambling -- you might have some luck.
24. Ride a horse -- George Washington did.
25. Fly a kite -- Benjamin Franklin did.
26. Jump out of a plane -- George H. W. Bush did.
27. Shave your head.
28. Exercise your midriff with one of those machines that vibrates you without any effort on your part.
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29. Argue politics, religion, sports and homosexuality.
30. Throw your alarm clock away.
31. Sleep late more often.
32. Drink more beer.
33. Write anonymous letters.
34. Never admit you're wrong.
35. Nudge your way to the front of the line.
36. Develop a taste for cheesecake.
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37. Help yourself to a few more meatballs.
38. Blame somebody else.
39. Go by train.
40. Cut more corners.
41. Polka more often.
42. Add french fries to that order.
43. Add another dollop of whip cream.
44. Buy a convertible and go topless.
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45. Get your eyebrows pierced.
46. Eat more rhubarb pie.
47. Get a massage.
48. Get a cute dog.
49. For winter, sleep in flannel sheets.
50. Read this column every week. (This is the only carryover from last year -- because you didn't do it.)
Indulge yourself this year -- pick any 10. Happy New Year!
